Hey.. if you're reading this, whoever you are.. this isin't for you. It's for me. It for me to release all the words in my mind. All the thoughts being configured but left unsaid. I have all these thoughts in my mind that just won't seem to go ho away.. they just grow and stem into other thoughts. But I guess one real thought that won't seem to get out of my mind is me. I know how that sounds. Me? As in the person writing this ? How narcissistic right ? Probably. A lot of this life is made around the thoughts of me. How for example, how i feel, what i perceive, who i want to help, why i do this. where can i be, why do i want to. So much of this space in my head is me. And when i ask for help, i ask it to help me. I'm sick of myself, where does the measurement of Me end ? You know i've tried to practice the command of  "deny yourself" but each time i do i see myself fail. And then i see myself fall. And yet i think if im the one who got myself in this situation then it should be me who gets myself out. You see a part of this whole Me thing is not involving anyone else. Even if that "anyone else" is all knowing and greater than the whole concept of Me. But the problem with this is... well i really don't know. Is it pride ? Is it fear ? Why am i so afraid to let go of myself ? I thought i've done that already. I thought i was free of myself. In which point in time did I allow myself to come back to a place that i never wanted to be back again. You know, God has so much plans for me, he shows me, and whispers them to me, he gives me these ideas in my head, all these great things he wants to do in my life but.. but I.. i don't believe them because I see myself and i see a person that God doesn't want me to be. I see visions but i see nothing in between the journey of now and later. At most times i see my "now" is my "later" and i see that nothing has changed. But i guess i'm not patient enough. Not persistent enough. Not kind to myself enough. See? There i go again writing about myself. Worrying about myself... I know, i mean i've been educated, about all the ways in which God works in people's life. That way in which he reaches and binds his love to us. The way he becomes the sole interceptor of us. But somewhere long the way I've graveled, i've shaken and become broken and weak and fragile. I don't know how many more times i can do this, i dont know how many more times i can repeat the same mistakes again before i realize that God loves me enough to never do wrong again. At least i'm reaching out still. There's a par of me that knows i can't do this alone. But there's also a part of me that hates the vulnerable position i'm putting myself in. I guess we have to be broken first to be made a new. And if it takes breaking me several times to make a change then I guess i'll have to fight myself to win the only good in life. Him.

- the Anxious me and where her mind is