Old Diary Entry - Change

February 21, 2015

I think change is a natural occurrence for me. I can't grow if there is no change. It's evolution basically, developing in a new light, a new way. I guess I've realized i'm never really going to be the same two years from now or even 2 months from now. I'm constantly growing and therefore I am constantly changing. There's this text post on tumblr and it goes, " What defines you?" with a reply off "Nothing. A definition excludes the possibility for change." This quote gets to me every time because I guess when you're a 16 year old girl you cant help to try to belong somewhere. You try to label yourself with all these words that only define one aspect of your personality and then realize you can not be defined. I'm not exclusive to one label, to one group, because I am evolving. My likes and dislikes grow more and more everyday and the universe doesn't stop finding ways to make me different. I've made this weird connection to why I never know the answer to everything. To why my slogan in life, that all my relatives associate me with, is the phrase " I don't know".It's because I personally don't have a definite answer to anything and having a definite answer only excludes the fact that change is inevitable and it's better to say "I don't know" then to completely deny the change that is set before us. Change can sometimes be a bad thing or a good thing, but I know when it comes - I'll welcome it with a warm embrace. 

I pulled this piece out from my diary today, I thought it was fitting since I can reflect on the changes that I've encountered this past year - since i'm actually gonna be posting this exactly a year from the last blog post I made. But re-reading this piece of text, I sort of have side comments on it like for example, using the word evolution may not be the proper word but I guess it fits if you perceive the type of change that slowly occurs (not over a thousand years but just long enough for my human lifespan) and the fact that it's not a physical change, more of a mental configuration. Change in perception, that kind of thing. Yeah. Change is inevitable. Whether it's slowly adapting to new habits or remembering old ones, I don't live a day where I'm forced or even feel the same as I was the day before. Five months ago when I wrote this this entry in my journal I would have never of thought of being able to grow so much in an enlightening way. I feel like life right now seems to be on higher grounds and although sometimes I feel every time I take a step forward, I'm forced to take two steps back but that doesn't change the fact that I was capable of achieving the one step forward. Knowing I have the potential to achieve great things (academically, humanely) I'm able to focus on the positive instead of the negatives. But as my year 11 days progresses I am forced to acknowledge everyday the fact that I still don't know what I want to do when I finish high school. Although, right now I'm not super stressed out about it because I'll know i'll figure it out. I mean that's what I've been telling people anyway.
"So what course are you planning to take for uni"
"I don't know yet,
 (*awkward silence*)
but i'll figure it out"
*proceeds on to give me a reassuring smile*.
Every conversation i've had with someone where the topic has been about uni has been like that.What's worse is when people ask me what uni i'm going to after they ask my what course and i'm just like "uhh well, I'd have to know what course I want to take first before I can figure out which uni offers the most flexible one for me" which then again directly proceeds with an uneasiness that no one can shake off. You see, I know whatever I pick to be, i'm never going to be certain about it. Like I said, definite answers exclude the possibility for change and I just don't wanna feel trapped like that. I don't wanna be suppressed from opportunities by my own doing. It's like that post on tumblr, with Daria how she doesn't wanna wake up one day knowing she's wasted her life on a job she was forced to decide in her teens and I honestly would rather be anything else than unhappy.

But yeah, alright. I feel like I've been talking forever. I just wanna say, whatever I do end up choosing, I know I can trust that the universe will conspire with me to put me in my place.And as for the changes that happen from my day to day life - good or bad, either way, great things are always gonna come from it.

P.S I actually enjoyed typing all this up. Sometimes I feel my journal isn't really the easiest place I can just write my thoughts in (especially including the fact my handwriting is atrocious) so I had fun letting my train of thought flow on through my fingers and im actually already thinking of what to write next. Maybe a more elaborate piece on my analogy with Karma and Newton's third law - where beliefs and science actually sometimes walk the same line.