A letter for my future marriage

 I'm so happy I can finally write this letter. For a while I knew I'd be married but it was always just a vision from God and barely a reality I had in my life. For almost 2 years I was just waiting for God to lead me to you, and now that everything is unfolding, it's beautiful and yet so gentle. It's not like those romantic movies where everything happens passionately and serendipitiously. I'm not being moved by emotion but by something better, it's like I can hear God typing out our love story on a tyepwriter and everyday theres something new that He allows us to learn and discover about each other, and about Him. It's like the more the Author writes, the more I get to see who the Author is and His desires for his creation. Its a totally new aspect of my relationship with God, something deeper, but something more alligned to His original design. And I can't help but look at the beginning of God's love story for Humanity - in the Garden. When I read of how He created us, I understand the design better. Born naked, and unashamed, united together with You. There was no sin, no desire to hide or be ashamed. I truly believe marriage resembles God's original design for creation before the fall. I'm excited to be one with you, bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh, because in our covenant of marriage with God I declare there will be no desire to hide, no desire to be ashamed. We would be fully known, and deeply loved, both by God and each other. And since marriage was created by God, then only God can be the one to allow our marriage to grow, flourish and be refined - no other person or culture or societal expectations can write our story for us, only God can. And I know He will write it beautifully, to fully reflect His glory. 

It's weird to say this, but I'm thankful that you've loved me for over 10 years now. It's not something everyone can have the privillage to experience, and although it took me this long to accept your love and reciprocate it, I am just utterly in awe of how blessed I am to hold something so pure, and genuine. It's like the longer you loved me, the purer you're love had become, like the love you have had been refined and tested in fire for so long, that all the years that have past has actually purified it to the point where I now have the purest gold. Something that is rare, and valuable, and not easily destroyed. Maybe you saw the last 10 years as suffering you had to succumb to, but the way I see you now, it was definitely a suffering that led to the purest form of love and I can't turn away from the beauty of it. I can't turn away from you.

If loving you was a choice, I don't think God gave me a choice haha. It's like He lets me see every good and bad thing about you and that transparency give's me the ability to grow my love for you. Not because you impress me or because I have a need to save you or fix you, it's nothing like that. It's not even about the love you give to me. But I see it as, the more I see you and know you, the more my heart grows fonder of you. Maybe I'm not used to knowing what it's like to have a healthy or green forrest love, but the awareness of stability, integrity, RESPECT, consistency and determination to grow in your faith, all of these qualities that I get to witness every single day, man there is a joy in my heart that even I can't explain. If someone asked me why I love you, I wouldn't even know what to say, but I just know God gave me no choice but to love only you. 

It's funny I just realised while writing this, you've told me the exact same thing before Haha and I laughed at you thinking how crazy it was to believe God only put me in your heart and no on else. Now I can see and believe that, it's not crazy, it's just simply truth. Simply the way God has written our love story. 

I want to thank Jesus, for healing me 3 years ago. And for not withholding His desires and plans for me. Thank You for telling me, although I didn't believe it or see it happening at first, I still secretly hoped it was real. And now I see it is real. I felt like Sarai when the Angel of the Lord told her she was going to be pregnant - she just laughed at it Haha. Although that wasn't exaclty my reaction, I do remember thinking how opposite it was to my personal beliefs of not wanting to be married and not wanting to have children. I guess Jesus healing my heart also meant releasing me from my desires that wasn't part of His plans for my life. 

On August 2023, You told me I was going to get married, and a few weeks later (October, 2023) the Holy Spirit used Pastor Pele to prophecy over me about a blessing that was coming rapidly- coming into fruition. A breakthrough that would bless me, bless my friends and intended to Glorify God. And now, sitting here in my room, August 2025, reflecting on how you work and the unfolding of your vison, it all feels surreal. But I know it's real and it's better than anything I could have ever imagined or desired for myself. Thank you Lord, truly. You know me better than anyone else, and so I know that what you have prepared and planned will be the best for me, and my future husband. 

Entirely Detached

 I just want to let the words and thoughts inside my brain free flow right now. As a waterfall plunges down the heights of the tallest cliff, off the edge directly into the erosion of rocks who has felt nothing but the crush of water. I am free. I feel it in my heart and my brain and my soul. I am free from loving you. I no longer love you. There is no desire, no magical red thread of the universe, there is nothing that pulls me into your magnetic field anymore. In fact gravity is my friend right now. I am so grounded in the reality of living outside of delusion. I am here. And I am now. I know this because I just spent maybe half a day stuck in temptation but I didn't think about you or imagine you or even dream of what ifs. I didn't remember the past anymore. There was soooo many things that used to keep me attached to you. Movies, music, fantasies, people -  everything reminded me of you and how I desired you. But now I am completely free. Because even when I was tempted, I could see the glimpses of reality and I recognised that the way my life is right now is waayy better than whatever fantasy I could ever imagine being in with you. And that's how I knew I was free. Entirely detached. I've waited for this moment forever. It was never about healing, it was entirely about releasing myself from a delusion that I held onto for so long. I can't believe it and yet here I am. Loving the reality I am in. Loving the truth is way better than loving the delusion. And the truth is - life is better detached from feeble and transactional feelings. This world deserves love that is selfless and unbound. I would be lying to myself if I ever believed that my love for you was selfless. It was entirely selfish to want you, to only love you in the ways that I thought could love you deeply. But that's never the right way to love somebody. I learned a long time ago that God loves you more than I ever could. And that God's love for people is rooted entirely on the steady wish of a person's ultimate good. On the surface I wanted to love you in a way that led to your ultimate good, even if it looked like avoiding you, minimising myself and our relationship, being cold, indirect, indifferent, emotionally unavailable. I know I navigated in ways that hurt the both of us, in ways that ruined a friendship. And I'll always be apologetic for the stupid things that led to this. But for once in my life my heart is not numb to you anymore. It's not broken, it's not weak- it's just free. And it feels like my heart is mine again. It feels new, it feels like I haven't given it away to someone else. It feels like my heart is taking care of me and I'm taking care of my heart. It feels like someone better has control of my heart, Someone who will always be Good and Kindhearted and Patient. Someone like Jesus. 

Thank you for the 4 years that I got to love you in my heart. I only ever write letters to people I've loved deeply. I never imagined you would be one of them, but it's been one of the greatest lessons of my 20's, so thank you. 

Love from,
your Timi Tango

"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"

- C.S Lewis 

The need for goodbye letters

 I heard somewhere that the most generous thing you can give to someone is your time and attention. The only part of you that cannot be physically returned. Maybe someone can offer something of the same value but ultimately the time and effort you offer can never be restored once it's given away. Which is why I think people like the idea of wishing that people who commit suicide took the time and effort to write their loved ones goodbye letters. It's the idea of "I wish i knew they were thinking of me even up to their last breath." So it's kind of, altruistic or something, to write goodbye letters right? It's the final act of selflessness before we do the selfish thing. Before I die, let me remember all the good things I've encountered from the people I love, let me passionately write about how much love exists in me that have bloomed from the existence of them. I wonder if it's easy to think about goodbye letters this way. Or if it becomes too difficult to even try. Maybe the selfishness creeps in quicker than expected. And you realise theres no right time or right mind to be able to say what you needed to say to the people you love. Which is why there is a need for goodbye letters to be written now. Before the wreckage and havoc comes to sweep us off our feet. Before the darkness snuffs out the little candle light. And certainly before the grief overwhelms the love we have in us. Our goodbye letters are important for what happens next. So we have to write one thats full of conviction, one that yells "no regrets!!" hahaha. But theres so many people to say goodbye to. How do we start? Maybe we can say goodbye to things first. Things like, extension cords that help me charge my electronics in bed. Haha always thankful for that. 

Goodbye to the little things i'll miss like:

- watching bees working hard on a flower
- the way waterfalls gradually get louder the closer you get to one
- dryer machines and the feel of hot fresh laundry
- watching train passengers through the carriage window when the trains meet at parallel tracks, it can be quite intimate sometimes
- dirty horchatas
- the air smelling like a pile of wood burning 
- the chill atmosphere of an autumn morning
- being in your own world when you're standing in a long line 
- falling asleep high

Theres definitely more but this is all I can think of for now.

And so we move on. To the people. Hm Instead of saying I'll miss you, maybe I should use this chance to say thank you instead. Thank you to everyone who's ever opened their hearts for me. To the people who have let me be vulnerable with them, who have cried and hurt for me, who have ever showed me compassion. I thank you for using your heart to feel mine. I always talk about my sadness as grief. I say it's like grief because it always feels like I've lost something when I experience the overwhelming emotions of sorrow. Maybe it's the constant feeling of losing myself that hurts the most. But I digress. Thank you for warm hugs. I've come to learn recently that being held tightly in the middle of a panic attack or emotional distress is actually one way to relieve the anxiety thats built up. So i'm thankful for all the hugs I've ever received during the times I needed them most. Thank you for prayers. Thank you for thinking of me in my times of desperation. Help shows up in random ways but I know they show up because somebody had asked for it. 

I can't.. think anymore haha 

"im just checking on u"

 'Don't worry about it me', is what i want to tell you. It's what I want to tell everyone. Not so that I can reassure them that everything will be fine and that there's nothing to worry about, but because I want them to sense that there is no hope anymore and nothing will change and that i'll be - we -  should all be okay with it. You see, I know you check up on me because you want to help, because you care, but you know what Ive realised about people who want to help? They want to help because deep down inside they know they need help as well. We're all so eager to ask people 'are you okay' when we see them fall apart because we all know that feeling. And when we're in that situation ourselves, we hope that there'll be someone out there to check up on us too. But thats the thing about this world. We're all broken. We're all in despair. If you think about it, we're all falling. Some faster than others. But there are some that hold your hand during the fall. You're both falling anyway, why not offer a hand to hold on to right ? But sooner or later we let go of the help because at the end of the day, each of us are on our own journey of falling. There are only two states we exist in, in this human experience, and it's this: we're either endlessly falling in our hollow and empty void, or our voids temporarily close up and we are at rock bottom inside an empty pit. There would be a third state, one where there's light and freedom and peace, but it exists less and less. Most of the time our lives just channel across the plane of voids and empty pits, some days we're falling, spiralling into nothingness, other days we're stuck and its dark and cold and lonely. We're all in the same situation; you'd think we'd be a lot kinder to each other in a place like this, but the truth is - we can't see each other in the dark. We're only aware of ourselves. Of our feelings and thoughts and desires. It's scary but it's true. The reality we live in gets darker and darker every single day. And it's harder to accept help when we know we're all in danger anyway. Sometimes the only help we know to give is when we try to protect each other from our own darkness. It's ironic really. When someone says to you "i'm trying to distance myself because i don't want to hurt you again", but the distance hurts all the same. No matter what we do, we're just constantly hurting each other, because whether we see it or not our brokeness has created these sharp edges along our skin, our minds, our words. There is this thorn in our flesh that create cuts and wounds in everything that we do. We think this brokeness only hurts us, but reality speaks that we cut and bleed on the people closest to us too. 

The letter of release

For a while I didn’t realise I was still holding on to something that wasn’t letting me grow, I held onto him because I thought that when the right time comes, when he would be ready then I would be there for him , ready as well. But the past few weeks, noticing him be around other girls and being close with them it hurt and I had no idea why. I don’t get jealous, and I definitely don’t get hurt or angry about those things especially since we aren’t in a relationship. When I thought I had forgiven you, when I thought we were going to be okay, and when I thought God was working to fix us together, I had closed of the option that maybe you weren’t meant to stay. 

I realised I was only hurt because I was still holding onto something that wasn’t intended for me to hold on to. You know we realise that God puts people in our lives to either be a blessing or a lesson. You were a lesson, a lesson I had to learn the hard way. You were put in my life to take me through an important season. A time where I was able to feel what it was like to care for another person, to be vulnerable and to be selfless, but I was made broken, empty and consumed. Still I’m thankful because I was able to learn more about myself and He was able to refine me. But God is letting me understand that I’m not meant to take you in my next season. What I felt towards you and the hopes I had for us, I have to let go of. Those feelings weren’t meant to be forever. And I’m finally realising that this wasn’t a lesson for us. You were a part of my journey and you were put in it as a lesson for me. So I’m glad, relieved and so at peace knowing what it is I have to do to move forward. You know the biggest thing I’m thankful to God for is his lessons. The way he teaches us and the way he reveals to us things that we would have never been able to learn on our own. So I thank You Lord for holding this heart so close to yours. ❤️

1 Corinthians 13:12 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.  

Hey.. if you're reading this, whoever you are.. this isin't for you. It's for me. It for me to release all the words in my mind. All the thoughts being configured but left unsaid. I have all these thoughts in my mind that just won't seem to go ho away.. they just grow and stem into other thoughts. But I guess one real thought that won't seem to get out of my mind is me. I know how that sounds. Me? As in the person writing this ? How narcissistic right ? Probably. A lot of this life is made around the thoughts of me. How for example, how i feel, what i perceive, who i want to help, why i do this. where can i be, why do i want to. So much of this space in my head is me. And when i ask for help, i ask it to help me. I'm sick of myself, where does the measurement of Me end ? You know i've tried to practice the command of  "deny yourself" but each time i do i see myself fail. And then i see myself fall. And yet i think if im the one who got myself in this situation then it should be me who gets myself out. You see a part of this whole Me thing is not involving anyone else. Even if that "anyone else" is all knowing and greater than the whole concept of Me. But the problem with this is... well i really don't know. Is it pride ? Is it fear ? Why am i so afraid to let go of myself ? I thought i've done that already. I thought i was free of myself. In which point in time did I allow myself to come back to a place that i never wanted to be back again. You know, God has so much plans for me, he shows me, and whispers them to me, he gives me these ideas in my head, all these great things he wants to do in my life but.. but I.. i don't believe them because I see myself and i see a person that God doesn't want me to be. I see visions but i see nothing in between the journey of now and later. At most times i see my "now" is my "later" and i see that nothing has changed. But i guess i'm not patient enough. Not persistent enough. Not kind to myself enough. See? There i go again writing about myself. Worrying about myself... I know, i mean i've been educated, about all the ways in which God works in people's life. That way in which he reaches and binds his love to us. The way he becomes the sole interceptor of us. But somewhere long the way I've graveled, i've shaken and become broken and weak and fragile. I don't know how many more times i can do this, i dont know how many more times i can repeat the same mistakes again before i realize that God loves me enough to never do wrong again. At least i'm reaching out still. There's a par of me that knows i can't do this alone. But there's also a part of me that hates the vulnerable position i'm putting myself in. I guess we have to be broken first to be made a new. And if it takes breaking me several times to make a change then I guess i'll have to fight myself to win the only good in life. Him.

- the Anxious me and where her mind is

'Love' tsk tsk.

Love. How do people fall so easily in love ? I don't get it, especially guys. I don't understand them. How does one know love if they didn't feel the love from the person they're falling for ? Don't people have to reciprocate love for one another before that feeling is established ?  I don't believe in making people fall in love with you. If you didn't feel it at first glance then they're not the one for you; they're not the one you're going to spend your life with. When i imagine falling in love it'll be as if we both know love existed in the space between us, that our only mission is figuring out whether or shapes fit in our space filled hearts.  Of course, the first impression of love you feel for them may not exactly be the deep emotion but it'll be some form of friendship love or the i feel like you're my platonic soulmate crush. But to be completely honest with you or anyone in fact, I can not make myself love you the way you want. I can be your friend, acquaintance, family but I can not be the person you idolize in your head and assume that i'm "the one". That's not your choice and oddly enough it's not mine. That's why being extra kind or giving me extra materialistic things just won't reach me in that way. I would be appreciative of the effort and thought you made but you're asking for something in return that I know I can't give. I guard myself you see. I'm not going to just agree with you because I empathize for your willingness and eagerness. In fact you should be slightly ashamed. For all the times you've bothered me or overwhelmed me. I sound like a selfish crude but to be real you're the selfish one here. Taking my attention so that I can only pay attention to you. Adverting me from essential things like education and even sleep. I have a moral consciousness, I can't just pretend you don't exist! But you're rude, plain rude and selfish to justify your "love" for me is something worthy enough and it makes me feel like a shitty person. Why can't you like me back ? Why can't you return the emotions ? Why don't you appreciate the things I do for you by loving me back ? Because your love is not real. Your mind is brainwashed. If my ignorance and snobiness doesn't make you realize that i wasn't the person you're looking for then you've just courted the better version of me that I never was with you. I'm sheltered in my reality while you're out their wasting away in your dreams. This message you're reading right now, its my last and final wake up call to you. So please forget about 'me' and start seeing the world for what it really is.