I just want to let the words and thoughts inside my brain free flow right now. As a waterfall plunges down the heights of the tallest cliff, off the edge directly into the erosion of rocks who has felt nothing but the crush of water. I am free. I feel it in my heart and my brain and my soul. I am free from loving you. I no longer love you. There is no desire, no magical red thread of the universe, there is nothing that pulls me into your magnetic field anymore. In fact gravity is my friend right now. I am so grounded in the reality of living outside of delusion. I am here. And I am now. I know this because I just spent maybe half a day stuck in temptation but I didn't think about you or imagine you or even dream of what ifs. I didn't remember the past anymore. There was soooo many things that used to keep me attached to you. Movies, music, fantasies, people - everything reminded me of you and how I desired you. But now I am completely free. Because even when I was tempted, I could see the glimpses of reality and I recognised that the way my life is right now is waayy better than whatever fantasy I could ever imagine being in with you. And that's how I knew I was free. Entirely detached. I've waited for this moment forever. It was never about healing, it was entirely about releasing myself from a delusion that I held onto for so long. I can't believe it and yet here I am. Loving the reality I am in. Loving the truth is way better than loving the delusion. And the truth is - life is better detached from feeble and transactional feelings. This world deserves love that is selfless and unbound. I would be lying to myself if I ever believed that my love for you was selfless. It was entirely selfish to want you, to only love you in the ways that I thought could love you deeply. But that's never the right way to love somebody. I learned a long time ago that God loves you more than I ever could. And that God's love for people is rooted entirely on the steady wish of a person's ultimate good. On the surface I wanted to love you in a way that led to your ultimate good, even if it looked like avoiding you, minimising myself and our relationship, being cold, indirect, indifferent, emotionally unavailable. I know I navigated in ways that hurt the both of us, in ways that ruined a friendship. And I'll always be apologetic for the stupid things that led to this. But for once in my life my heart is not numb to you anymore. It's not broken, it's not weak- it's just free. And it feels like my heart is mine again. It feels new, it feels like I haven't given it away to someone else. It feels like my heart is taking care of me and I'm taking care of my heart. It feels like someone better has control of my heart, Someone who will always be Good and Kindhearted and Patient. Someone like Jesus.
Thank you for the 4 years that I got to love you in my heart. I only ever write letters to people I've loved deeply. I never imagined you would be one of them, but it's been one of the greatest lessons of my 20's, so thank you.
Love from,
your Timi Tango
