I heard somewhere that the most generous thing you can give to someone is your time and attention. The only part of you that cannot be physically returned. Maybe someone can offer something of the same value but ultimately the time and effort you offer can never be restored once it's given away. Which is why I think people like the idea of wishing that people who commit suicide took the time and effort to write their loved ones goodbye letters. It's the idea of "I wish i knew they were thinking of me even up to their last breath." So it's kind of, altruistic or something, to write goodbye letters right? It's the final act of selflessness before we do the selfish thing. Before I die, let me remember all the good things I've encountered from the people I love, let me passionately write about how much love exists in me that have bloomed from the existence of them. I wonder if it's easy to think about goodbye letters this way. Or if it becomes too difficult to even try. Maybe the selfishness creeps in quicker than expected. And you realise theres no right time or right mind to be able to say what you needed to say to the people you love. Which is why there is a need for goodbye letters to be written now. Before the wreckage and havoc comes to sweep us off our feet. Before the darkness snuffs out the little candle light. And certainly before the grief overwhelms the love we have in us. Our goodbye letters are important for what happens next. So we have to write one thats full of conviction, one that yells "no regrets!!" hahaha. But theres so many people to say goodbye to. How do we start? Maybe we can say goodbye to things first. Things like, extension cords that help me charge my electronics in bed. Haha always thankful for that.
Goodbye to the little things i'll miss like:
- watching bees working hard on a flower
- the way waterfalls gradually get louder the closer you get to one
- dryer machines and the feel of hot fresh laundry
- watching train passengers through the carriage window when the trains meet at parallel tracks, it can be quite intimate sometimes
- dirty horchatas
- the air smelling like a pile of wood burning
- the chill atmosphere of an autumn morning
- being in your own world when you're standing in a long line
- falling asleep high
Theres definitely more but this is all I can think of for now.
And so we move on. To the people. Hm Instead of saying I'll miss you, maybe I should use this chance to say thank you instead. Thank you to everyone who's ever opened their hearts for me. To the people who have let me be vulnerable with them, who have cried and hurt for me, who have ever showed me compassion. I thank you for using your heart to feel mine. I always talk about my sadness as grief. I say it's like grief because it always feels like I've lost something when I experience the overwhelming emotions of sorrow. Maybe it's the constant feeling of losing myself that hurts the most. But I digress. Thank you for warm hugs. I've come to learn recently that being held tightly in the middle of a panic attack or emotional distress is actually one way to relieve the anxiety thats built up. So i'm thankful for all the hugs I've ever received during the times I needed them most. Thank you for prayers. Thank you for thinking of me in my times of desperation. Help shows up in random ways but I know they show up because somebody had asked for it.
I can't.. think anymore haha
